i'm here..still alive..but i feel dead..don feel like going to bed but i know i have to after this..
i don like sleeping on my bed now..reminds me of ytd night..which explains why i was sleeping on the sofa in the living room when i got home juz now..with doors n windows closed..fan n tv turned on..

was sleeping the entire time on the train back home..i had a feeling that everyone was looking at me when i wake up once in while to change position..n the rest probably got affected my me cos every time i look at the double seat in front of me or at the single seat next to me, there's a different person on the seat but everyone's doing the same thing..like...sleeping.......

i walked quite a distance under the sun today to get to the doc's..now that i think of it i could hav switched to the bus from another train station instead of walking 3bus stops distance..
the worst thing was that my ex secondary school juz ended their lessons for the day..i don wanna see them..all the bitches n bastards do is stare stare n stare..thinking i would dare to glare back at them..come to think of it..i could hav juz rolled my eyes off them..bitchy me..don wanna giv a damn to them lil kids..stare up n down..never see someone else except for yourself before ah..aliens..mars..n venus..get a life man..
argh whatever i'm doing..cant be bothered anymore..juz get pissed by the thought that they're from my ex sch..sucks..they're bringing the standards down..

got to the doc's n got my drugs..no they don make u high unless u wanna gulp down a whole bottle of cough syrup at once..reminding me of that pomegranate yogurt drink that i bought..bad taste i've got..then after that u get knocked out..how sweet..
i don even know if i actually slept last night..or not..been sleepy n sleeping the whole day..on the train..in sch..on the train..at home..later as well..
it's definitely a nightmare..it actually freaked me out..it sucks..it means i'm seriously sick this time round..

fact:
i don fall sick often..
i rarely have nightmares..
i don believe in spiritual beings thou i find them cool..
i've also never encountered such beings before..
i have never had a serious hallucination before..

after last night, it proves that apparently when i wanna get sick, i get SERIOUSLY sick..not juz cough or flu..n it lasts for quite some time..n nothing good comes out of it..like nightmares..i think i've only had 2 including last night's up till this point of my life..thou i have dreams that contains horror scenes or corpses appearing in my face or spiritual beings poping out from everywhere..those are totally due to my imaginative sadist brain..so duh..

last night was freaky..
n it's rare that i actually mention and mean that i got freaked out..it's like..i can make an official statement to the world stating 'I GOT FREAKED OUT' yeah..

ard 3am..still couldnt get to sleep..so i listened to my mp3 n was scrolling n playing randomly on kat-tun's song list before i finally decided to put it on sleep timer mode..for juz 15mins in case i fall asleep n waste the batt..placed my mp3 above my head at the safe area so i don whack it out of bed..as soon as i settled down..i heard voices..i'm not kidding..n i don think i was asleep yet cos i freaking juz settled my mp3 above my head n placed the blanket over me n was humming at the same time..

by the way, my bed's in the position whereby e top of my head is pointing n directly under the window's position..n i always have my windows open when i sleep..

the voices were coming from the carpark that's juz opposite block from my window..there were noises of kids running..n laughing..i couldnt believe my ears..they were echoing closer n closer as if they were running from the far end of the car park to the end that was towards my window..i thought to myself that there's nothing to worry about juz snuggle in your blankie n fall asleep like a pig quickly..but then..i felt a pair of hands..in a moment..i felt as if i was standing with someone behind me and he's hands were on my chest..i felt weightless..as if i was drifting in the universe for a sec or so..the laughter of kids juz continued throughtout the whole time which i was awake or asleep n dreaming unknowingly..i still cant freaking figure out but i'm sure i havnt fell asleep as i kept clenching on to my blanket as the hands were still over my chest heavily..n i could still hear the music of the kat-tun songs playing..until it stopped n i wished i hadnt placed it in auto sleep mode..i started to panic..i didnt feel as panicked the last time i had a horror dream with someone breathing down my neck..that time, i even rmbed that i juz turned over to see what was breathing down my neck but this time..i was freaked out..stiff..i couldnt move..the hands were restricting me..n even if i could turn my neck, i think i made a choice not to do so..the same scene went on..it's like i fell asleep due to the shock then i felt calm for a moment that i thought i fell asleep..then some dream appeared..i don rmb them but i was with a boy who was mouthing some words yet i couldnt hear him cos i didnt wanna budge from where i alr was..n i woke up cos i felt the hands on my chest n the kids' laughter again..then i re-entered the dream n the boy gets closer from behind me this time..i could hear the voice but i didnt wanna turn n glance at him..then i jerked up in my bed in the lying down position again..i freaking don know how long it lasted but it was horrible..i swear i was on the brim of crying..cos i didnt know whether to close my eyes or not..when my eyes were open, i don wanna turn my head at all to check my surroundings thou i still feel the hands n hear the laughter, yet i don wanna let them close as i didnt wanna re-enter the dream..but when my eyelids slip,i don wanna let them open again to go back to the laughter n feeling of the hands jerking me, yet i didnt appreciate that i was 'asleep' cos i was in the dream once again with that freaky boy..oh please cant they let me rest in peace..i'm like tearing right now..my gosh..it's so freaking freak..n i need to catch my breath now..i'm forgetting to breath as i type..my shoulders feel tense from all this typing n remembering of what happened..man i need to get to sleep now..n how i wish i were married alr n i'm sleeping with my husband..i don care who's gonna be in the husband role but i juz want someone on my bed now..or that i'm living with my bf or something..at least there'll be someone ard..i'm crazy but for now i really wanna shout TATSUYA WHERE THE FREAKING HELL ARE YOU?! GET YOURSELF BESIDE ME NOW..I WANT A HUG N I WANNA SNUGGLE TO SLEEP IN YOUR ARMS SO I'D KNOW I'M SAFE WITH YOU BESIDE ME..*sniffs* he's in japan dear girl *sobs* i'm so girly right now..so not me but am me at the same time..hai...damn i still donno if i was conscious ytd night or maybe it's really a dream..but i really felt it..n by the time everything stopped..i didnt notice..it felt as if i juz fainted in the middle of changing of the scenes..cos i didnt realise my 2 alarms went off n my sis or whoever turned it off for me without calling me up had probably shouted at me to get up..but i didnt notice too..or it could well be juz hallucinations..sigh..life's complicated..i don even wanna bother rechecking what i've typed..cos i'll juz feel worse..n i think too much sometimes..i'd say LET IT BE to myself but i'll still pry into it..blaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh..i wanna die alr ='(

but i feel better now anyways..after shouting my 'need' out..haaa..TAT-CHAN~ woo..i finally laughed to myself..this is depressing..i'm gonna get to sleep in a few more mins or so..gonna brush my teeth n eat all my medicine..n hope the drowsiness takes effect faster than normal..normal would mean 1 to 2hours..so that i'd be knocked unconscious in sleep n not have any freaking interruptions tonight..sometimes e effect takes longer to happen..cos my stupid body doesnt react on time when it's supposed to..the timing is haywire..like what can i do man..blah...

n i wasnt helping by playing angela's slow songs on repeat juz now..esp 我的最爱
died..the music in that song was so like in a 'spiritual' world too..i'm making things worse for myself..nuooooooo...i need to stop it..

oh yea..thanks to ytd night, i actually REconsidered listening to kat-tun's songs when i was on the way to sch..i juz choose to listen to angela's songs..until in the afternoon when i was going to the clinic n had to walk a LONG distance..maybe it was cos their songs were playing when it happened..opps..

JOURNEY_angela
It´s a long long Journey
Till I know where I´m supposed to be
It´s a long long Journey
And I don´t know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It´s a long long Journey
Till I find my way home to you
Many days I´ve spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what´s my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong
I know I will falter I know I will cry
I know you´ll be standing by my side
It´s a long long Journey
And I need to be close to you
Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don´t even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can´t see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through
Cause It´s a long long Journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on calvary
Beneath those stormy skies
When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feel like everything is out to make me lose control
It´s a long long Journey
Till I find my way home to you~

我的最爱 _angela
像一场梦 却醒不过来 另一个我在看着我
她问我值不值得 为你付出所有
只要一想起你的温柔 就会让我看不清楚 你想做的你
没有谁强迫我坚强 我却都忍的住 清醒的孤独
你永远是我的最爱 不管爱你有多难 我的心只想属于你
无法预知的未来 你试着抱起我 却看见远方寂寞
爱将会克服一切 在我心中 你永远是我的最爱 不管爱你有多难
我不会停止爱着你 握着你温热的手 就算偶尔透露 你的不安和放纵
我总是相信你~