went out to orchard today..with helen n shareen..it was nice..
going out as friends..it's been ages since we went out..took neoprints..almost everytime we come out we've been taking them..it's been like that since we got our results after Os n went to orchard straight after that to celebrate..

met n walked ard hereen n then headed to cine..for the pics
the pictures were unexpectedly pretty today..apparently it's hard to get a pic whereby all of us are pic perfect...esp with me..i guess my smile was genuine..having seen them after quite some time..it's a nice feeling..thou i might get pissed time to time but i guess i cant really get pissed for long cos i know how each of us are alr..so i don hold grudge..me n shareen love our legs X) if u see the pics u'll know why..haha..boots/heels n pretty legs..haa

we went to the HK restaurant place in cine that was near the neoprints shop to dine..3ppl..food service charge n gst came up to 52bucks..split cost quite unequally amongst ourselves..cause i didnt have small notes..so i paid 50 n then helen n shareen juz paid me back some of the food amount n i decided to absorb the service charge n gst n whatever's left by myself..i suck at calculating..haa..but then again..i don mind footing the bill =) n it's only once in a while that we do get to get tgt..

headed to paragon..took pics with the F1 car displayed there..first time i'm seeing it in real life..it's hmmm..exceptionally big in size..from tv i always thought they were tiny cos the person always look squashed driving in them..
at least now i know they're GREAT machines..lol...so cool...i wanna watch the race X(

next stop to fareast.. more walking ard..trying on shoes for shareen n trying on of clothes for helen..shareen spotted a really nice bag..i thought it was cool too..can be hand held n slinged..
it's cool..

8cm high heels..i survived..from 2pm till ard 7pm then i headed to shareen's place instead of going home..everyone from home would alr be outside dinner-ing at that time..
helen cabbed with us till shareen's place then continued cabbing home from there..

had dinner at shareen's place n left at ard 11.30pm..reached home..showered n it's alr this time that's stated at the end of this post..i took a really long shower..crying
.
.
.
everytime i get to shareen's place, i don like to leave..or much more of i don feel like leaving..
her place is always a place where i'd cry..these few times after i enter poly n actually get time to sleepover at her place..somehow i'll cry..most of the time it's esp when we talk bout sch..what else but sch..i nv liked talking about school..as much as ppl might notice..i don really blog much bout sch other than being with my friends n what we do there n exams..

i don like talkin bout our papers be it test or quizes. even if i do well i'd be like..ok*chatters for a bit*..then i'll leave it at that..if i don do well..ok *chatters n demoralized for a moment*.. n i'm back to normal as if nothing happened..i don like thinking bout sch stuff..it's as if i get over things fast..but i guess it's more like i'm escaping from it..escaping from reality at how bad i really am about this kinda stuff..i hate it esp when i understand it n yet still cant do well..i mean..who'd actually feel good bout it? i hate myself sometimes..i hate myself for not being able to do better.. i regret the things i do sometimes.. i hate it when i don do something about it.. i donno what i want.. everything feels so out of place.. i hate it.. i hate it even more when i cant tell my mum how bad i've been doing.. i cant even answer her what i feel when she asks me how i've been doing in sch.. i cant even bring myself to say anything about sch to her..be it that i've been improving lil by lil..althou it might not been a great improvement..i feel easily satisfied but i do think i wanna share it with her cos i don think she'll believe i've tried..i donno how she'll think..i;ve been so useless.. i know she dotes on me even thou we don really communicate much.. i think i've been selfishly keeping everything to myself that she doesnt know what i want anymore.. when i was in pri sch at least when she scold me or cane me that i havnt been paying attention or that i didnt try my best at all..i'd juz scream n shout at her that what i feel..that i've alr tried my best but u juz cant be as good as what she wants.. i wish i'd nv tried to contain my pain n stop crying since upper pri when she still canes.. if i nv did try controlling my cries maybe i won find it so hard to try to let it all out now.. i wish she'd slap me.. i wish she's juz disown me.. what's e point of having such a useless girl like me.. i cant even express myself infront of her anymore..does she feel i don need her anymore? i want to juz cry to slp in her arms..she don have to talk to me..she don need to know what happen..is this possible? i want so much attention that i want everyone to disappear so that she'd only notice me..so many times i wanted to be selfish..i wanted to b the only kid in the family so i'll be the only one she notices..
i wish i wasnt so mature in thinking..that i wasnt mature to think that i shouldnt let her worry bout my sch thou i havnt been doing well since forever.. that i decided to keep everything to bout myself.. i feel it's my fault i've locked my feelings locked away from my mum..i wonder if she feels i don need her anymore.. i want her to know so much more but i don want her to know how weak i am..i wished i nv tried to be a strong person with so much pride..maybe then i can still be a cry baby n let her scold me..i'm so afraid what will happen..i act as if everything will be fine by the next moment..i act like nothing's a big deal to me..but what the hell IT'S NOT REALLY LIKE THAT..i'm seriously crumbling..i wish i'd juz collaspe..but why am i so healthy..why cant i juz keep falling sick or develop some illness to torture myself so that at least i won feel so bad that i'm doing so badly..i wish i'd juz die..i'd rather give my organs to someone who does better than me but is terminally sick..at least this useless life of mine would do some good to save someone..what the hell do i want..i feel so lousy that i wish my life would end but yet i'm so kind wanting to give my organs to save someone..i seriously donno what i wanna do..can someone juz knock me out then? i want to go into a coma..i wanna take a break from everything..i want to breathe in a pace that i feel peace n relaxation that i've left everything behind that i when i wake up i'm in another world not needing to continue with where i stopped..but i know it'd never happen..i nv think positive enough..cos i juz don believe..like when ppl tell me there's god n i can count on him..i'd nv believe them..i'd only be defiant n say no i don think there's god.if there is then it'll be me..then only will i believe..i'm such a jerk..but then again when u preach to me about his good..i nv stop u rudely..i'll late u rattle on n then when u're done u'll leave me alone..what the hell do i want..if i defiantly don believe god exists but i still be polite when u talk about his existance to me? i'm so contradicting..

i always wish i'd act rude n defiant as i really feel..that i wouldnt hold back n try to prevent from creating trouble..maybe if it's like that then maybe the situation could have changed..i'd be viewed as a problem kid n being so lousy would suit me..but now it's too late..

i've made myself so independent..that i keep everything that's mine as juz my own..i nv share them..my feelings my real emotions..i donno how to show them now when i need to..it's so hard to get them out of your mouth..

i even hate it so that i cant contain this hate within myself n that i need to show my vulnerability.. i really donno what i want.. if i could i'd really wish i'd leave here sometimes..out of sight..out of life.. i wish i was non existant.. i hate it even so that when i feel so lousy n i cant even cry properly.. i wish i was back in lower primary n my mum would cane me..i'd probabaly feel better if she punished me.. i feel so bad as if i owe her..i donno what i can do well for her to think that i'm worth being her daughter.. all i ever want is freedom..i guess i nv really thought much for my future..i wish my life span would juz be till here..then maybe i won owe her so much or hurt her that she has such a daughter.. a burden to bring up yet nv thankful enough to her..

maybe if i nv did the tarot card reading at shareen's place, it'll be a total diff situation now.. maybe i wouldnt start thinking so much..i'd be slping on what ive suppressed in me..not needing to pour it all out here..

i selfishly used to think to myself that i don need parents..i often wished i was an orphan.. i'd rather not have anyone care for me.. cos i hate it.. i hate the feeling where by u're indept to their care.. cos when u're indept u have to repay with good stuff.. but all i offer in nothingness.. what good am i? i'd only feel lousy..so i nv tried being a repectful kid..i'd talk back n try to make my parents hate me..i thought that this way..perhaps..perhaps it wouldnt hurt them so much when they find out i suck at everything n that i've failed in being a good daughter..then mayb they would learn not to expect too much n that they'd ignore me for good..maybe then i wouldnt be guilty that i don live up to their expectations..

whenever i see kids going out with their kids to play..i wish i could go back intime..i wish my parents would care for me as if i nv once grew up..i'm so jealous..i wish i was a spolit brat that grabs attention at any oppurtunity.. i wish i wouldnt act so grown up..nothing goes well.. i get jealous when my mum wants me to give way to my brother..i want to tell her that i want attention too..i know that she cares but i wanna tell her it's not enough..i want to tell her i'm so selfish i wish i never had any siblings..i want her to look only at me..i want her to only smile at me..i don want to share her..or maybe i wished she nv gave birth to me so i'd nv get to feel all these confusion..i wish mayb i can disappear n make everything easier..easier for them n easier for myself..
.
.
.
.
i wish i'd never came home..
maybe i wished i never went to shareen's place n touched the tarot cards..
i should hav came home from orchard straight away..
i juz cant stop thinking after that..as long as i'm not doing something else,i'd get back to the topic n everything...it so sucks..i wish i nv controlled my tears..or i wished i told my mum straight that i was staying at her place for tonight..

cos i didnt get to complete what i was saying n i juz left her place since i was alone in her room that i started thinking all over again..
it didnt help leaving..n i finally much more noticed the significance of music..it was a tool to distract me from not havin anything to do n start thinking on my own..at least i could engross myself in the singing n not having to sit thru the whole bus journey tearing..i jus kept staring out of the window or at the ceiling in front..of all things i decided not to bring my mp3..it sucked..

i kept sniffing thru out the walking distance from her hse to e bus stop onto the bus, in e bus n off the bus till i reached walking to my block.. cos i cant get everything out nor can i stop it.. then when i saw the neighbourhood cat sitting on the public bench..alone.. i broke down for a few secs.. tears flew..i was cursing to myself while crying n stroking the cat.. i had no idea why i cried upon seeing it..but i saw it was injured..so i juz kept stroking it for a bit n it continued with it's slp after staring at me for a while.. n i realised i was still at the void deck n it was almost midnight..so i stopped n take the lift up instead..i paniced for tissue when the lift reached my floor cos my eyes were really wet n so was my nose..stayed at the stairs to clear up before going back home..then when i reached..ppl were still awake..so i decided to take a shower..

in the end..i took so long in the shower cos i kept starting to cry but it was so hard cos i know ppl are still awake so i turned on the shower n sobbed a lil then stop..then i keeps coming back to me so many times throughout one hour that i even brushed my teeth sobbing with loud running water.. n when i finally finished washing up i cant even get out of the bathroom cos my eyes were so red n so were my lips from all the biting to stop the sobbing.. i had to sit on the toilet bowl trying to sing any songs that came in mind n wait till everything clears up again then i stepped out.. n i was thinking to myself that i seriously have no place i can call ''private space'' ppl have their own room but i share mine..so i cant cry out even if i wanted to.. after all i nv planned for them to know what i feel..

luckily everyone has sch/work tmr..they all went to slp a lil after..
then juz now as i blogged..tears keep streaming..i've already used up a pack of tissue..bloody hell my nose keeps getting runny n the tears were like auto..feel so pissed..even my legs are numb from the meditating position i'm sitting in to blog..argh..i hate everything now..but by tmr, it might be a diff story.. cos i've partially forgotten what i typed juz now...maybe it was cause i was 'overflowed by emotions'... so yea.. i nv let anything bug me..yea..back to the norm again

sigh..anyway..i guess i feel better now...or i think i do...it's alr 4.32..
had to keep backspacing cos i kept pressing the wrong buttons thru out..n i had to keep drying my tears n clearing my irritating nose..n i was busy finding dbsk songs to hear n clearing more email at the same time..mulit-task/sidetrack once in a while..so dumb..i actually typed for so long.. m not gonna check for mistakes..

most prob this post is a mess..like me..
sayonara

~everybody needs somebody~